Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

   Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

   Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

   Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes. 2) Accidents. 3) Marriages. Need I say more?

   need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   Although I love food, I don't consider myself to be a "Foodie." I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction.

   Love the share your memories. Hey, I deleted that stupid f#cking comment of yours from four years ago. Do you have a guilty conscience.. lol. . .

   I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes?

   I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season.

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

   Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.