SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   I have the nose hair of a much older, more powerful man.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been 6 hours since my last tweet, and in that time I had thoughts I didn't share.

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   It's impossible for me to dance without making the "I'm the sh!t" face.

   I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.