Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   I know two wrongs doesn't make a right, but I'm determined to find out just how many wrongs will.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   The more you show the person that you cant live without them, the more reasons you're giving them to take you for granted.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   I've gone to bed like 6 times tonight and I've ended up on Facebook every time.

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.