Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't say retarded, it offends retarded people and people that look for reasons to be offended.

   Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   A Perfect Question To Ask At Any Job Interview: Do you monitor email and internet usage as I love to look at hardcore porn sites during office hours?

   Everytime gay rights is brought up in North Carolina and Mississippi, every Christian that smokes, drinks, curses, and/or has premarital sex is suddenly concerned with what the Bible allows.

   Folgers got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed naked after you pee.

   I don't remember myself, but my parents love to tell others about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final Jeopardy music at age 2 or 3.

   You should never hide anything from your parents. "Getting caught" doesn't apply to me, when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said "I need bigger condoms", and walked away....

   I just assume a woman originally created fire because she was trying to scare away some prehistoric fuckboy who couldn't take a hint.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.

   One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic.

   I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.

   If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.

   To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.

   American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.

   Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.

   My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...

   Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.