Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

   Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope".

   wants you to know that he has decided to accept you as you are, that does not necessarily mean that he has completely given up on you amounting to something someday.....

   Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   Questions To Ask Coworkers/Friends Every Friday: What do you mean I'm crazy? Have the unicorns been spreading vicious ugly rumors about me again?

   You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!!

   I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" And then we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Saw them 21 more times before sunrise.

   My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."

   What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

   If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.

   Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....

   Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

   There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.

   I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.