Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   If Wendy's think their square burgers are so awesome, why don't they use square buns??

   Kellogg investigating video of man urinating on factory assembly line....Mmmmm pee-flavored Rice Krispees is a delicious healthy breakfast.

   After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.

   Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.

   I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

   A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.

   Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.

   I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.

   My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."

   Teens these days don't know how lucky they are to have song lyrics sites. We used to sing stuff wrong for years until the truth destroyed us with weekly therapy sessions.

   Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

   Hey Kanye....you think you made Taylor Swift famous? That's so cute.

   Parenthood is always saying the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Funny thing is, that's the same definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not!

   I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

   Bernie Sanders want to run the United States and he can't even operate a simple comb with no moving parts.

   I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!

   wondering if he can claim Johnny Walker as a dependent.

   only whites work around here..darn mexicans, and blacks