Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Kanye West in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.

   Kanye West: My genitals smell like fire and I cannot find my pants.

   I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.

   Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.

   The fact that the praying hands are in the top emoji's pretty sums up everyone's 2016 so far.

   You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.

   I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.

   He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!

   We are going to have a bake sale and the proceeds will go towards the abortion.

   There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an a$$ tattoo tomorrow.

   Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying beer and a ton of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 turned out for him.

   I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....

   I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the club last night. I'm practically Jesus now.

   He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.

   Just the thought of you slurping down noodles really rustles my jimmy....

   A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you at Golde

   It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.

   I must have drank more than I thought last night...there's an entire hour that I don't remember!

   The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.

   This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.