Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.

   You're so vain, you probably think this ritualistic cursed voodoo doll, I made in your likeness, is about you.

   I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.

   Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee.

   If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."

   Burger King is the only fast food I trust... because it costs $10.47 for a chicken sandwich and takes 40minutes to prepare...

   A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.

   If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.

   You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time

   What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"

   That was the best news conference that Obama has ever held, about all the police officers shot recently. Said no one ever...

   Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.

   It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.