Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   I went to Denny's. I ordered poached eggs scrambled sunny side up over easy. The server spontaneously combusted.

   We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.

   A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

   Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?

   Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!

   So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

   Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.