Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   Me: can I have a large? Starbucks employee: you mean a venti? Me: can we not fu$&ing do this

   Why is Dr. Ben Carson still in the Republican presidential race? We don't need a crazy brain surgeon as our next leader.

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

   I am really into CrossFit. I cross my fingers and hope I can fit my a$$ in those jeans.

   Only in America, where the Feds can't find a missing girl or a missing plane but they can find a little sack of weed between a black person's a$$.

   Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....

   "The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.