Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.
←Rate | 12-26-2015 10:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.
←Rate | 12-26-2015 10:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.
←Rate | 12-26-2015 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?
←Rate | 12-26-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.
←Rate | 12-26-2015 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,
←Rate | 12-26-2015 18:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽
←Rate | 12-27-2015 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure sex is great but have you ever stared at your phone all day?
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't think size matters, I'm giving you the smallest coffee mug.
←Rate | 12-27-2015 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a licensed insultant
←Rate | 12-27-2015 10:42 Comments (0)  

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