Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:09 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:10 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 08:58 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:07 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:08 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:12 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:55 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:57 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. πŸ—πŸ–πŸ€‘πŸ€‘πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:58 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰πŸ™Š
←Rate | 11-21-2015 13:04 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!
←Rate | 11-21-2015 13:07 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!
←Rate | 11-21-2015 15:35 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 18:56 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 18:57 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 manufacturers who were the lowest bidder. Anyways...have safe flights over the Thanksgiving holidayΒ 
←Rate | 11-22-2015 07:44 by Mike Youngman Comments (0)  

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