Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:08 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:09 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:10 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 07:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 08:58 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:07 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:08 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 09:12 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:55 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... 💍💍💍😂😂😂
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:57 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 🍗🍖🤑🤑😂😂😂
←Rate | 11-21-2015 12:58 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... 🙈🙉🙊
←Rate | 11-21-2015 13:04 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!
←Rate | 11-21-2015 13:07 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!
←Rate | 11-21-2015 15:35 by @kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 18:56 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 18:57 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.
←Rate | 11-21-2015 19:26 Comments (0)  

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