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You know you've reached adulthood when you pause sex when the dryer buzzes... 
This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design
I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....
Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.
Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.
Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.
Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.
Have you ever gotten so bored at work that you just started actually doing your job?
If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on their lights behind you then pull over someone else.
That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....
I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.
Fall in love with someone who makes you laugh or you're be really bored when you're 80 years old, with a broken hip, and sex is impossible.
Look on the bright side insomniacs, at least your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My Guardian Angel be like "I'm gonna lose my job and end up in hell with this mother f*cker..."
If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take 5, what do you have? That's right! A black eye and a broken hand...
If your boyfriend said he couldn't spend time with you on Valentines Day, but took you on a date the day after....it means that you are the side chick.
I'm like Hugh Hefner....minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. So basically, I have a robe.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
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