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Man I wanna throw a book at someone face and be like "I Facebooked you!" Lol 
That awkward moment when someone sits in your seat
That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.
why is it that when you bump heads only 1 of you feel the pain
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
At the risk of being unfollowed, I expelled enough gas at Starbucks today to fill a Trenta.
I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.!
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..
I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.
no wonder gangsters pants hang so low there so full of sh*t
Quite certain that my cat, as he lies here “purring” beside me, is plotting ways to kill me in my sleep. Or at least a clever plot that will ultimately end up in me finding a turd in my shoe in the morning.
Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?
Does Steven Tyler remind you a Jack Sparrow or am I crazy?
Due to inclimte weather, all shenanigans are cancelled until further notice
Stop takin pics with yo Income TAX/Grant Money from school. You Broke
Why is it so hard to find information without paying for it? but I can google Kevin Bacon, Justin Bieber and that OctoMom for free?!? AH
Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks
In case you havn't been outside or looked at any of your 376 other friends status's... I'm stating the obvious, it's cold.
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