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If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard.... 
Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?
Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.
In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.
"They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.
Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"
Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
"Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.
It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.
Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.
Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.
People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.
This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.
When someone thanks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
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