Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 09:19 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 09:20 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."
←Rate | 12-03-2015 12:10 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"
←Rate | 12-03-2015 12:34 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 12:42 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 12:44 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon An American walks into a Canadian grocery store , walks up tp the Juice section and says to His wife, Hey, These Canadians put Raisins in their Grape juice.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 14:02 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever since I found those "Free Kittens" ads on Craigslist it's saved me a lot of money feeding my boa constrictor.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 16:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't blame God for everything that is wrong with the world. It's not His fault that bad stuff happens. It's Man's fault that bad stuff happens.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 16:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”This's brought you by a cashier who is afraid of losing their job.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 16:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?
←Rate | 12-03-2015 16:43 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 16:46 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 18:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.
←Rate | 12-04-2015 00:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.
←Rate | 12-04-2015 06:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.
←Rate | 12-04-2015 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer
←Rate | 12-04-2015 10:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH
←Rate | 12-04-2015 12:12 by Ajdo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...
←Rate | 12-04-2015 18:29 by Steve OH Comments (0)  

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