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Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it. 
I'm so broke... People in Haiti are having a benefit for me !!
I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.
I failed my history test today. Apparently, "three centuries of inbreeding" is not the correct answer to "how did the american people evolve?"
saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.
if a fat girl falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it ...... do the trees laugh?
was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".
Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders
bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time
not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.
would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.
planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.
There is no SPF strong enough to sheild you from the sheer awesomeness that radiates from my ass!
ʇɐ s,oɥ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ˙˙˙ uoıʇısod ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ uı ʍou ɯɐ ı' ʞo
Just go ahead and sneeze cause my presence just blessed you
loves to chase his pets with a vacuum cleaner
tried to join a Tourette's support group, but they told me to piss off
wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.
discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.