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Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen. 
Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.
"You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."
I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ
* Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...
"Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.
You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.
My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.
Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.
I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.
Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.
MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.
I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...
If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life
Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out. 