Funny Status Messages

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.