Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   I'm wearing that smile you gave me.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.