SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   50,000 gather at Rockefeller Center to witness public execution of 74-year old tree.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.