Mick F Funny Status Messages

   Some guy says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she says, “what are they?”

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   Modern music is like Taco Bell. They keep coming up with new things using the same seven ingredients.

   A mom knows everything about her kids...their favorite foods, friends, clothes, their school reports and their dreams. A dad is vaguely aware that there are some short people staying in the house with him.

   When a guy opens the door of his car for a girl, you can be sure of one thing, either the girl is new or the car is.

   You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   Frustration 2011: A pic of several women. They're all tagged EXCEPT the only hot one.

   A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   Newt Gingrich is the Republican front runner? I wouldn't bother getting those moving boxes just yet, Barack.

   All 911 decals have been removed from Police cars in an effort to dissuade Mexicans from stealing them who think they're Porsches.

   What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   Me: If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. She: If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

   We all could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

   If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.