MBH Funny Status Messages

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."