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Doc Noland Funny Status Messages
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I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.
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10-14-2013 16:57 by
Doc Noland
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Show me on this Elmo doll where the bad man touched you...
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11-12-2012 18:04 by
Doc Noland
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Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.
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09-02-2010 05:53 by
Doc Noland
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Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.
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07-03-2012 10:21 by
Doc Noland
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Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose
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08-08-2011 11:07 by
Doc Noland
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I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?
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07-24-2012 23:16 by
Doc Noland
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Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.
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05-26-2012 13:54 by
Doc Noland
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This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense
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10-26-2012 10:59 by
Doc Noland
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You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
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05-10-2012 23:41 by
Doc Noland
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I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
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01-13-2014 21:53 by
Doc Noland
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I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.
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02-06-2013 10:58 by
Doc Noland
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My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.
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11-25-2016 14:36 by
Doc Noland
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My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
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12-31-2012 14:38 by
Doc Noland
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BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.
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12-18-2014 21:55 by
Doc Noland
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I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.
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08-12-2011 01:25 by
Doc Noland
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I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
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04-01-2012 19:39 by
Doc Noland
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i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
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12-07-2016 11:59 by
Doc Noland
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The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
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10-11-2011 14:08 by
Doc Noland
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RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.
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10-20-2011 13:58 by
Doc Noland
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I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes
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10-19-2012 15:48 by
Doc Noland
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