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Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse. 
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".
I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"
I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
I just wish Justin Bieber was around when Michael Jackson was in his prime.
My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...
@nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.
My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday
Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.
"I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe
9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!
My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”
John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.
I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.
I'm so old that my pronouns are Thee and Thou.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Sean Hannity debating Ted Koppel about real journalism is like a 5-year-old debating his dad about the rules of the house.
Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?
Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics.
Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead. 