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A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if 
If you want your food delivered faster by the delivery driver working in the middle of a pandemic with very little base pay and no benefits don't forget to tip!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
The Ieft has big vocabularies; the right has big bank accounts. Guess which one pays the bills at the end of the month?
How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)
Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."
I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.
"I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."
There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.
garlic burps are sexy.
When I think of terrorism, I think of lynchings, dogs, bombings, assassinations, slavery, chain gangs, Jim crow..not poor Afghans villagers
Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.
For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit.' :/
The best part about it being monday is Monday Night FOOTBALL! yeah buddie :)
BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...
Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too. 