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So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on. 
Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.
Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.
I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling
Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word
What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?
I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"
When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties
Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.
Tebow remains unsigned. God delays game once again.
If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?
Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind
When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.
I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.
wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?
Imac, i-pad, i-phone, i-pod, i-tab………. and finally i-bankrupt :(
Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?
Just remember if the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off
Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.
The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her. 