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It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company. 
No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.
Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.
I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.
Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.
Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.
I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.
Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.
Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.
Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?
Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?
I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..
So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?
Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape
Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.
A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?
Missed it by that much. I had Phillip Michael Thomas in the celebrity deadpool...
At least the children in Africa will be getting their Championship Broncos Tshirts 