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Just kicked a "the book was better" dude square in the nuts. 
Blue jeans are illegal in North Korea because they are a symbol of American imperialism.
How come a regular order of fries is now about 6 potatoes but a ketchup packet still only holds 1/100oz??
Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.
Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco
alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats
I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.
Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.
I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.
Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"
Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"
I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.
I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.
wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?
Kids... It's like letting your heart walk around outside of your body
- Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"
the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 