SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   You say "potato," I say "I'll pay off your student loans if you let me install a camera above your shower."

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   "When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon

   The Cain Train got derailed because the conductor couldn't stop chasing caboose.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.