Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.