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how can I possibly be expected to tolerate living with the gender that doesn't know a thing about the spread offense. 
I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
The Netherlands known for "total footbal" more like "brutal football"!
These days a little bragging by saying, "I'm the bomb!!" might cause a stampede
I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.
Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?
I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.
Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.
If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.
Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....
My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."
Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.
Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.
I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.
Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.
Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
I guess I missed the chapter in "The Art of the Deal" about getting rejected by the Freedom Caucus. 