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   messageicon Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....
←Rate | 04-25-2013 12:08 by JEBI Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.
←Rate | 04-26-2013 21:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon [This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]
←Rate | 06-12-2013 15:18 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.
←Rate | 07-23-2012 11:06 by Zubindalal1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..
←Rate | 08-11-2012 11:11 by snotty Comments (5)  


   messageicon If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 12:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:49 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?
←Rate | 11-16-2009 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.
←Rate | 04-10-2010 13:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...
←Rate | 04-11-2011 16:30 by Gil Comments (1)  


   messageicon Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!
←Rate | 04-09-2011 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
←Rate | 08-09-2012 18:24 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.
←Rate | 04-14-2010 16:06 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".
←Rate | 02-25-2010 18:20 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.
←Rate | 04-06-2010 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If they gave out awards for laziness, I would send somebody to accept it for me.
←Rate | 04-01-2011 14:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?
←Rate | 06-09-2011 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
←Rate | 06-14-2011 20:35 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 23:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.
←Rate | 09-07-2011 14:35 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  



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