Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right. 
I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.
My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..
White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!
Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?
In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.
I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...
Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!
Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.
Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".
My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would send somebody to accept it for me.
Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?
Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender" I'll have..........a beer." The bartender says" What's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I was born with them". 