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Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20. 
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but they forgot to mention Morons.
i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.
..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.
God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?
If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…
It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.
I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size
EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer
Puppet theft is getting out of hand!
New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .
Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?
I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.
“You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.
People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from
I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?
Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]
i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake? 