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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother. 
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.
Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.
Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.
Not every trophy wife is first place...
For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy
I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs
Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.
Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.
I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences. 