Funny Status Messages

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together. She threw me out.

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   while I drink my coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window and ask myself: Am I attractive enough to prostitute?

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump.

   I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

   I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say "Oh you smell good, what is that?" I say "Page 5"

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down

   I dont know why these stupid employment agency websites keep suggesting that I link my job application profile to my Facebook page. If employers ever visit my Facebook page, I will never get a job in this lifetime.

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.

   I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it

   I dont have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebooks, its the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?