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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed. 
Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷
2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas
SB halftime show: Forget honesty, forget creativity, forget originality. In these days and times, the only thing these "fans" want is formulaic pablum served on a steamy silver platter of ad nauseam.
Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.
I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?
In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.
We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.
I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.
Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.
Ted Cruz likes porn.
Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.
Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.
New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.
Plaid shirt guy for 2020!
Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.
Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.
Lets send the coronavirus tiger to Carole Baskin
You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone. 