Funny Status Messages

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Lost is actually being played out in real life.

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   I think I've got mood poisoning. It must be something I hate.

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   I don't always feel like I'm at the top of the gene pool, but when I do, I'm at Walmart.

   I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.

   We have come so far. Computers, Moon landing, Mars rover, Hubble telescope taking pictures of thing light years away...and yet we still need a sign telling employees to wash their hands.

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.