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No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
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12-26-2014 12:19
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People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it
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02-08-2015 06:13 by
huck
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"Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma
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02-11-2015 10:38 by
movethatchairplease
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If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.
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02-27-2015 14:42
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No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
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03-30-2015 14:10
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We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.
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04-14-2015 14:23 by
Nipper
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I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet
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04-23-2015 13:36
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The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand
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05-08-2015 05:47 by
DeeX
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Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
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05-15-2015 09:25
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I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.
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01-18-2016 12:36 by
Kisstopher707
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Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
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01-23-2016 21:30
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They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
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02-06-2016 07:32 by
snotty
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Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
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02-24-2016 16:41
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The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.
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06-11-2012 20:49
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Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
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06-17-2012 12:24
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R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!
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06-17-2012 15:19 by
totalpackage
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I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.
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06-30-2012 16:13 by
Marshall the Great
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Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
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07-10-2012 22:03 by
BEGO
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Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
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07-11-2012 16:43 by
Marshall the Great
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Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"
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05-11-2012 10:24 by
Marshall the Great
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