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If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wonders. 
It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.
Am I sexually active? YES! I get screwed at the gas station once a WEEK!
So they really buried Osama in the ocean..Did Americans not learn their lesson when they buried Megatron?!
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, practice on the hand over hand monkeybars will be cancelled indefinitely.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.
Hey youtubers, if your clip wasn't funny the first time around chances are reshowing it in slow mo isn't going to make it any funnier.
I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~
I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.
I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.
Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100
The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!
I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.
I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.
Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."
Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work. 