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I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut. 
Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.
As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.
Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!
Google has gotten so used to my search habits, all I have to do is type a celebrity's name and it automatically adds "nude".
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills…making the last car payment.
Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."
The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.
You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.
I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!
Be the girl that all the guys want. Not the girl all the guys HAD.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
I swear my touchscreen phone touches its self when no one is looking
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand. 