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Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself). 
What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.
Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.
Listen, OK, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago, back when I was just a young, childish, 59-year-old man.
The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.
The "running man" may no longer be a trendy dance move, but it's a cool way to get out of a boring conversation
You must be special kind of dumb if you think an idiot who became a billionaire celebrity and sleeps with models wants to change how this country works.
Hook-up culture's not for me. I'd rather get to know someone, find out they're not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years.
My favorite ghost story begins with "You have 14 invites waiting for you on LinkedIn..."
Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.
So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.
Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.
I didn't realize that the circus stayed in town so long. Also I thought there was more to it than a clown and a freaky old lady. When does it leave?
Spends 2 hours rescuing a baby squirrel during a hurricane but is always too tired to make her own burritos.
It's only Wednesday morning and I've already had to have the "You will not become the bird lady from Mary Poppins" talk in the mirror.
And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new coffee at Starbucks.
Wheelchair, the adult's version of a stroller
I put the 'sexy' in Dyslexic.
I went to Smith's Deli and asked for a baked chicken thigh. I got a breast instead. I hope the kid working the deli isn't a med student.
Tim Kaine rubbed my leg under the bathroom stall at the airport. 