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If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements 
effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?
Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.
Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep
I believe snakes would hate humans a lot less if they knew the world's first mobile game is dedicated to them
None of us really knows anything about Stormy Daniels other than her first pet's name was Stormy & she grew up on Daniels street.
Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.
Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.
It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.
a bisexual a person who pays for sex?
Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp
U failed Physics chemistry in High school and now you have the guts to comment with 'K' on my posts.What exactly do you know about *Potassium*....?
Just got back from Australia and realized I forgot to change the setting on my camera and now all my pictures are upside down.
Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.
Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.
Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.
Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.
I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.
Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you? 