SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay.

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   It's casual Friday. Go give your boss the finger!

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

   I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I have a suspicious package.