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And on the 21st Day of May... God said.. Hahahahahhahah! 
Hey Harold Camping, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world...
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.
That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.
I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.
Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.
The iPhone- checks my facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.
When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that not all your nightmares came true either.
How come whenever I tell someone I play guitar, they challenge me to Guitar Hero? I have never challenged a veteran to Call of Duty.
Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?
in an open relationship with Maria Shriver
That awkward moment when you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attemp to fool the other people in the room..
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.
American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.
FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.
I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.
I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked. 