SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Ladies it's only fair of me to inform you, in case you are diabetic, that I'm sweet. Also, if you have food allergies, I have nuts.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...

   It's Britney Spears birthday. She's 30. That's about 57 in trailer park years.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it