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Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%. 
You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.
i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen
You remind me of someone I'd never like to meet.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there's less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.”
‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me
I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!
I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!
Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.
Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.
I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks
I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.
Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.
Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.
I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.
Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.
They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather. 