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Its amazing how the people with no real job always have weed on them everytime 
Fellas: If your woman starts updating her Facebook status right in the middle of having sex with you, it might be a clue that you are not doing her right.
The Bipolar smiley face :): (dr brown )....
I killed Bigfoot! I also have a few aliens in my basement! You gotta trust me because I said so! Oh by the way I have pictures but you can't look at them!
Hey dude, I am way to high for you to be creeper staring at me right now. None-the-less trying to physically touch me... back off, eat a nacho, and just watch the movie. Sincerely, Female stoners
Like a Wierd Neighbor, State farm is there
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
tellin people you're deleting your facebook, then disabling it, then bring it back is pointless
My gf and I were eating Chinese take-out and my dog starts begging at the table for a treat. I said "You don't want this, Boy. This is Chinese food. Come to think of it, so are you."
Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world
How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Some bruises are worth it.
Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.
I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!
i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people
Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither.
I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.
Muhammad Ali vs. Michael J. Fox - The Quickest Game of Jenga Ever
Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout. 