Funny Status Messages

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.