Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   Fat women want to be thinner. Thin women want bigger boobs. Big-boobed women want clothes to fit better. And you know what men want? Women.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you'd never forget.

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.