StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   If your drug dealer is always on time, he's a cop

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.