KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.