Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   The subject of entomology really bugs me.

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.