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Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING! 
[high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.
Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so
.... I have been self identifying as a woman ever since the men's room at the theater was full.
Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.
Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.
My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong
If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?
My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.
Maybe Jabba was extremly thin for a Hut, you don't know
Looking for true love on Tinder is like looking for a Buffalo Bills championship. Good luck.
Started a new workout program, 50 more "likes" and I'm all done.
Fcuk the damn dress!
Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.
How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that automatically sends an email to your boss after you hit the snoze button for the third time.
They said they manage their money well, the fact that your tax return is gone after 2 1/2 weeks determined that was a lie
You can always tell the Irish.... You just can't tell'm much!
My super power is being able to make a quickie quicker. 