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What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons 
You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.
Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.
My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.
In these days of AIDS and HERPES, there are some people whose ex-lovers you just don't want to mess with for health reasons.
Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.
Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground
encourages everyone this year to give pencils and coupons to Trick-or-Treaters who show up without a costume
Facebook: the best way for singles to know if they want to date someone or just poke em
Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously
If I don't make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Its a good thing its Halloween already, The skeletons in my shed are starting to stink up the neighborhood!!
I don't like the way this guy in the mirror is looking at me.
I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.
when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"
something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."
Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.
My friend Mary joined me for dinner. I had a petite filet and Mary had a little lamb!
Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.
The 'prevaricate' post - you are a very clever man 